For the love of, but not limited to....

  • all things horror film related
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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Insomniac ramblings

Christmas has come and gone. This seasonal cold is kicking my white ass. Oh, and I have a 'rotten, loveless heart.' Or something to that effect. Basically, I'm at a down point, but I am pushing myself with everything I got to get up and fix all this shit that is my life. 

Christmas always puts things in perspective. What was once a magical and fairy tale esque playground of childlike innocence, is now a wasteland of regret, sorrow and self reflection. 

I used to watch countless seasonal shows this time of year, but for the past two years, I have skipped that tradition entirely and stuck to my main staple of horror. Even my birthday holds no magic as it once did. 

Insomnia is kicking my ass and my neck hurts from sleeping on the fucking couch. I need a massage and for someone to wash my hair in Evian water. That is what I desire most now. My priorities are skewed and I feel the weight of the night catching up to me, and I succumb to sleep. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

NEIGHBOR: A brief review and why chicks are better psychos.

Beauty opens all kinds of doors. I won't elaborate because we all know that beauty is power, and blah, blah, blah. But what happens if beauty and a killer smile [pun totally intended] mask a dangerous psychosis that makes Pat Bateman look like a cub scout? Even worse- What if she is your neighbor? Even worse- She likes to take her work home with her. Literally. And instead of picking random victims, she prefers to keep it close to home. You save gas, no pre-stalking or expensive macro camera lenses needed. Just go next door- Nothing suspicious about dropping by to visit a neighbor right?!


Three unsuspecting male friends and one of their unfortunate girlfriends find out how true the old saying, 'Good fences make good neighbors.' Certainly the age old adage, 'love thy neighbor' need not apply when it comes to this dreadfully demented gal.

Basically, she tortures the whole lot of them, and she does it with the zeal of a virgin who just discovered oral sex. The chick has issues, obviously- but I give her props for being so upbeat and creative in her twisted methods, not to mention her hair's ability to hold such volume and body throughout the whole bloody ordeal- That's an amazing feat in itself. 

I don't believe in giving away too many spoilers so I won't.

There is a substantial amount of violence and gore- Torture is the main theme. The story was weak in my opinion and had there been more meat in the storyline the gore might have been more justified. Sure, I enjoyed the gore- I am a certified gore-hound, but the storyline provided no rhyme or reason why this chick was so hell bent on maiming and mutilating her neighbor and his friends- Not that psychos need a reason. But sometimes, gore for the sake of gore is tiresome and lazy. It was a well-shot film, in my opinion, and not a shitty B film that is supposed to have the plot of a phonebook so it compensates with gore and nudity.

*Note: I love shitty B movies, but this film was ambitiously aiming for the more 'artsy' vibe; Ironically, they might have nailed it if it explored the storyline a little more thus giving the audience more to chew on, rather than nasty, shallow death scenes- Over and over and over.....

This romp of a film is good for putting in while polishing your toenails [which is what I ended up doing....] or balancing your checkbook [which I have NEVER done...]. Any moron can follow the plotline [or lackthereof] and the reward is the twisted torture scenes, which are almost comical because the ambiance has more of a 'black comedy' feel than a serious horror film.  It is like Pat Bateman has a soul mate but was born 50 years too late.

In a nutshell- Imagine if the Marquis DeSade thought up a fictional female character with the imagination of Tomas de Torquemada, meets AMERICAN PSYCHO meets Desperate Housewives and SINGLE WHITE FEMALE but substitute Madchen Amick for Jennifer Jason Leigh. Kind of a heavy description but it comes somewhat close.

As to my assertion that females make better psychos: They just do. Men [no offense, but generally this is a pretty fair statement] think with their penis.' Vagina+good looks and a 1000 watt smile= Compliance. For the most part, not always. Once the pretty psycho has you in a compromising position [see: tied up a la kinky foreplay sex game] you can pretty much kiss your sweet ass goodbye. Unless you can get away, which is likely too, but I'm sure any good psycho has thought it through and has a contingency plan for any possible mishap. Argue with me if you want, but I will always think a woman makes a better psycho- The more aesthetically pleasing she is, the better psycho.

It's a fact. Deal with it.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Human Centipede II: A brief review and why I think Tom Six is a pompass douche.

First for the brief review.

A sociopathic, disturbed mama's boy named Martin is obsessed with the film THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. The sexual degradation and the forced defication really gets this guys rocks off. His most prized possession is a booklet he makes with pictures and movie stills from the first film. He hides said booklet in the fashion of a horny pre-pubescant teen, under his mattress so that his pain in the ass mother won't find it. Mother does find it and she then enlists the help of a creepy therapist/doctor to talk to him. Creepy Doc tells mom that 'it's probably just a phase,' and not to worry too much about it.

Martin works as a night security guard in a parking garage so this gives him ample time to watch and re-watch the film and slip deeper into his obsession. One night a misfortunate young couple makes the mistake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and the asshole boyfriend mouths off thus pissing Martin off and unloading a gun in said asshole's foot. After knocking both the asshole boyfriend and his girlfriend, he takes the couple back to an abandoned warehouse that Martin acqired after knocking out the man who is renting out the warehouse.

Three down, nine more to go. Victims that is.

From here out, Martin secures victim after victim, including a pregnant woman, a hooker who is found servicing his Dr. friend, hence the creepy doctor bit, along with other poor souls including is asshole neighbor who plays his shitty music too loud. Before long, Martin has all twelve victims and he's ready to begin his medically inaccurate reconstruction of the human centipede, following in the footsteps of the demented Dr. Heiter that we all came to love/loathe from the original film. Because Martin is a moron, and not a medical doctor, he has to improvise.

He knocks out the teeth of his victims with a hammer and then using a staple gun, he staples asses to mouth and then injects the unfortunates with laxatives to ensure they get their money's worth. Lovely huh?!

That's Ass to Mouth II in a nutshell.

Now for why Tom Six is a douche.

Six claims that this is the sickest film ever made. Don't believe the hype.

While the gore was adequate- I would have a hard time believing it 'was the sickest movie ever made.' I can see it being a copaphiliac's wet dream, and it's probable that Six saw SALO one too many times, but tooting your own horn because you made a skat film just seems a little silly.

2 1/2 out of 5.